You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
