fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
