There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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