I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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