i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
