He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Mom said you looked used
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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