I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
