I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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