Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
