I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
