So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
