I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
