Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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