Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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