Houston, we have a blender
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
