I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
