If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
