Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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