Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
