I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
