Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
