I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
