I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
