My hand turned me down
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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