It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness