That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.