I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots