I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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