Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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