i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
