Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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