Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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