I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
