i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
