This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
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I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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