you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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