Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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