I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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