I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
