i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
