i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
