the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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