I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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