i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
