i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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