Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
