The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
