Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need moral support for this bender
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
