i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize