Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
