if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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