dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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