I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
