I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
