Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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