dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
