I want to stick my p in your. b.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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